Opinion

Revenge is a card for every kind of patient

13-Jun-08

Do you ever want revenge? My receptionist rarely gets it.

As the ever-increasing wave of patients demanding urgent appointments threatens to wash us all screaming into the sea, Mrs Demanding surfs in and demands an appointment, today, between 5:30 and 5:40.

I ask the receptionist to negotiate. Does she, perhaps, have a rash that rears forth with ghastly violaceousness only as the cock crows for tea? Does she have some strange pineal abnormality controlling a werewolfian transformation of sprouting hair and glowing teeth peaking daily at 5:32? Does she suffer a daily pulse of adrenaline that flushes her colon like the Severn bore, with a cataclysmic departure of content that's all over by twenty to six?

However, we fit her in, just to keep the peace.

Mrs Demanding, it turns out, wanted to see me between work and yoga, both of which are more urgent than Mrs Meek, who will be seen late because of her. She is, of course, as nice as pie, as patients who are mean to receptionists generally are, but after she leaves with an ECG form the receptionist comments that I should have given her a yellow card as well. If only.

Soon we have designed a range of cards for patients to take to reception: white (wonderful patient, brought chocolate, given them whatever they want); blue (garrulous and insoluble, give them a double appointment with someone else); purple (bonkers, don't let them back in again, ever); green (rude to doctor but not receptionist, tell patient next appointment is 2009); yellow (rude to receptionist but not to doctor, tell patient next appointment is 2010); red (rude to everyone, elevate tripping device as patient departs); or magenta for Mrs Colon (roll over and give in, you can't win).

Sadly, ethics forbid this delightful bit of team bonding, but I do have an interesting dream later involving the Colosseum, some lions, Mrs Demanding and myself. The dream goes really well (for me and the lions anyway, particularly as I get a snog from Russell Crowe too), and the staff discuss it happily over tea. You can have revenge.

Dr Selby is a GP from Suffolk. Email her at GPcolumnists@haymarket.com.